


When everything washes away with a single item

by Smugdendingle



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Caring! Ben, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gay Characters, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentally/Emotionally drained, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vulnerability, Vulnerable Callum, army mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 15:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20708012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smugdendingle/pseuds/Smugdendingle
Summary: Set after yesterday’s episode ( 19/09/19). When Callum saved Bobby & left the hospital room to cry in the hallway, I wanted to write a follow on when Callum returning  home ( that wasn’t shown on canon ). I wanted to sweep into Callum’s past self harm & with the mentions of the army & his nightmares and flashbacks.





	When everything washes away with a single item

Everything had come bursting back since Bobby was about to get killed by a train. When Callum, didn’t think of his own life and went straight on the tracks. To save a half stranger, to hold him close as the launching train went past them. 

Callum can still feel the full blast of cold air on him, he’s still shivering cold. He’s overwhelmed, because he sees himself in Bobby. He used to be like that, running away from the nightmares, running away from the people he failed at the army. 

Finding the only solution. 

Callum stares into the darkness, his mind racing with the recent events. He’s back at the tunnel, he can hear the train come closer and closer. 

“ Bobby!! Bobby! “ 

His own voice repeating in his head, he wants to scream in frustration and pain. Everything has come back, all his triggers have come at once and he just wants to cry. 

He needs it. He needs it. He needs - the razor blade slices his skin and he can finally breathe. Callum looks up to release a deep breath, eyes closed and repeats the assault on his stomach. The pain goes away , the racing flashbacks fade. He can breathe. 

Callum doesn’t move for a moment only looks down at his self conflicted scars and cuts. He doesn’t think anything, it’s blank, disconnected. Callum steps in the scolding shower, needing an reminder that he’s nothing. He ain’t a hero, he ain’t nothing. He wished the train hit him and not Bobby. Then immediately feels dreadful because Bobby would have another death on his conscious. Callum ups the heat to the boiling maximum. 

After 20minutes he steps out, slowly puts a towel around his waist and doesn’t look in the mirror. At his ugly reflection of mock. Callum makes his way to his bedroom and freezes with a flinch. 

“ What the hell have you done?! “ Ben cries out, Callum doesn’t turn. Only lowers his head in shame, Ben assesses the dark red burns and new cuts on his stomach with a sickening expression on his face. 

Ben blinks away the tears ready to fall. “ Cal - Callum why’ve you hurt yourself? “ He asks, scared, confused- a mix of emotions. 

“ Everythings come back. “ Callum tells him quietly, that quietly Ben has to strain to hear him. Ben frowns, places s hesitant hand on Callum’s arm comforting him. 

“ What’s come back Cal? “ 

“ everything. “ He repeats, a little forceful this time. “ Flashbacks, memories - everyone has come back. “ Callum sounds distressed but his face is a sad blank facial expression. 

Ben looks at a loss, he’s out of his depth. He doesn’t know what to do, how to help him.   
“ Do you want to talk about it? “ 

Callum scoffs. “ Talking? That ain’t gonna get rid of anything. “ he bitterly says, walks to his bedroom and gets into his bed. He’s tired, mentally and emotionally tired.   
Ben sits on the edge of the bed, slowly threads his fingers through the thick brunette locks. He loathes seeing Callum like this, he wants his awkward, nerves -cute Callum back.

“ well you obviously do Cal, look at ya! You’re self harming again. Please let me ‘elp ya. “ 

“ you don’t know how to help me. “ He whispers, afraid. 

Ben sighs softly, glances down a second before looking at Callum’s sunken face. “ I’ll try me best, I’ll do anything to get you to smile again. “ 

“ You should be with Bobby, he’s the one who really needs ya. “ Callum tells him, selflessly. “ He needs all the support he needs after today. I don’t deserve it. “ 

Ben groans in frustration.   
“ Stop doing the pity act! What I’ve just seen - and all the other times - show me that you need all the support too! “ He explains, clearly. “ Bobby has to whole Beale family and Mitchell’s. “ he quietens his voice, just below the standard volume. “ You’ve only got your bald headed freak of a brother. Yeh the Carters but, you need a load of support too. “ 

“ All I’ve done is to run. I’m a coward Ben. People don’t need a coward. “ 

“ Sometimes they do, or they’ll have someone like me. A right gobby bastard. “ Ben teases softly, a smile forms itself on his face when he sees a ghost smile on Callum. 

“ I don’t want to be like this Ben. “ He admits. 

Ben tightens ( without a forceful, painful grip ) and loosens his grip on Callum’s locks. “ we’ll get ya help then. “ 

Callum shakes his head against the pillow. “ I don’t want the attention. I’m fine. Just being - stupid. “ 

“ no you ain’t. “ Ben firmly states. “ Go to sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow Yeh? “ he gives Callum the option. He nods weakly, Ben gets up and gets stopped by Callum holding onto his wrist. 

“ Please - don’t go. “ Callum fears. 

Ben’s face softens. “ I wasn’t goin’ anyway. “ 

“ I just want you Ben, p-please. “ Callum confesses weakly. Ben nods a little awkwardly and stars to undress. He’s only in his boxers and then realises Callum’s naked. 

“ Do you - want me to get you some pjs? “ 

Callum makes a noise, a Yes by the looks of it. Ben finds Callum’s night wear and gives them to Callum who struggles to put them on. Ben can see how drained he looks, so he asks unsurely if he wants Ben to dress him. He replies with okay. Ben dresses Callum, he’s awkward and nervous not wanting to upset Callum more. He adverts his gaze politely when he puts Callum’s bottoms on, it feels wrong somehow, with the way Callum is vulnerable at this stage. He shouldn’t be looking. 

when he has dressed Callum, who lies there not saying anything. Ben gets into the bed and tucks Callum into his chest, not knowing if that’s okay or not. Only, Callum tucks himself comfortably in Ben’s chest and tucks the quilt in his grasp. Ben protectively wraps his arms around Callum ( being mindful of the burns on his shoulders and back), with the cover nearly over their heads. It feels like a protective blanket, shading them both from the outside world. 

They fall asleep in each other’s arms. 

/// 

Callum wakes up first, the feel of Ben against him makes him feel safer. He pulls back slightly seeing Ben’s peaceful face, his mouth slightly open and eyes fluttering. Yesterday he had a moment, he just had a bit of a relapse but it’s fine. 

It’s fine. Is what he keeps telling himself. 

Ben then wakes up, shortly after Callum and looks at him through tired eyes. “ You ‘Alright? “ 

“ Fine. “ Callum answers, nothing behind his word. Ben shuffled backwards to look at Callum properly, he still looks tired like the world is weighing him down. 

“ Do you want to talk? “ 

“ I just had a relapse. “ he says heavily. “ its fine. “ 

Ben cocks an eyebrow, slowly sliding his hand across and holding Callum’s bigger hand.   
“ You know it ain’t fine. “ he says. “ Please just - talk to me. “ 

Callum sighs, blinks slowly.   
“ Y-yesterday I kept remising what happened. In the tunnel, me protecting Bobby, the train and I kept having flashbacks to the army. Just different people telling me I could’ve saved ‘ham, all of them angry at me. “ 

“ That wasn’t your fault Cal. “ 

“ I know - but I just - I should’ve done more. “ 

“ Cal -“ 

Callum squeezes Ben’s hand.   
“ Please Ben just - let me speak. “ he weakly orders, Ben smiles kindly letting Callum speak more. He won’t be the one to quieten Callum. “ I kept hearing the explosions, then the shouts of distressed, my shouts and just - “ he looks frustrated. “ Just everything came too much. With Bobby it just set it off, going on those railway tracks made me think I was back at the army. Then walking in the dark, finding Bobby talking. I thought I was back there and then - then the training coming - faster and faster. “ 

“ Nobody told me about a train coming. “ Ben quietly butted in, He was really that close to losing Callum and Bobby. 

“ for a minute- I wished it did hit me and not Bobby. “ Callum admitted, his dark secret. Is it a secret? 

“ How - How could you say that? “ 

“ because all I’ve done is wrecked lives, not doing enough or not being enough. “ 

“ You don’t deserve to die, not like that. “ 

“ I know. “ 

“ do you? “ Ben says unconvinced. 

“ yeh. It would ruin Bobby, having another death weighing on ‘him. “ 

‘ even now, he’s thinking of others and not himself ‘ Ben thinks. 

“ But you can’t say anything Ben. “ he begs. 

“ You need help. “ Ben tells him quietly. 

“ I can’t look like a attention seeker, especially after everything. “ he fears. 

“ you won’t-“ 

“ I will! “ Callum protests. “ please don’t. “ 

“ I can’t just - I can’t just leave ya knowing what -“ 

“ I know but please Ben. “ Callum breaks down. Ben immediately tucks him into his chest again, hugging him tucking his chin on top of Callum’s head. 

“ I won’t do anything but just - when you feel like this talk to me, ring me even. Just don’t suffer alone. “ 

“ it feels like I should be. “ Callum chokes out. 

“ No, always text me when you want to talk, when you feel yourself getting like this again contact me yeh? “ Ben says.   
“ Or others if you want. “ he doesn’t want to seem like he’s controlling Callum. 

“ but - “ 

“ no buts, I’m fine, you’re gonna be fine. “ 

“ is it? “ Callum repeats, unconvinced, still feeling a bit foggy. 

“ it will get better. “ 

“ I should get to work. “ Callum states out, nonchalantly. He gets up from the bed to get his suit. 

Ben still stays where he is, but now sitting up with the quilt wrapped around his waist.   
“ Should you be -“ 

“ yeh Ben, just because- just because of yesterday don’t mean I need to stop working. I’ll just concentrate on work. “ 

“ ... right okay, I’ll best be going then. “ he awkwardly comments, getting from the bed and putting on his clothes. Callum turns around still fixing his tie. 

“ Thank you Ben. For ya’know. “ 

“ I’ll do it anytime Cal, you know I care - ‘bout ya. “ 

“ You too. “ He repeats, they share eye contact for a tiny bit longer before carrying on getting changed. Ben stands by the door frame opposite Callum with a half smile. 

“ you owe me another date by the way. “ 

“ oh do I? “ 

“ yeh you stood me up! “ Ben chuckles, it dies down, god, why does he try to make a joke after everything? 

“ Well - Maybe we should try again then. A successful one. “ 

“ I’ll like that. “ Ben smiles. 

“ me too. “

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
